Trust the Tides

A secret that I have to share with you. It's not the kind of secret that I wouldn't share. It's the kind of secret that I just haven't shared and here it is. I start blogs all the time. Read: I title blogs all the time. I don't even technically start them. When I click on "Edit Posts" when logged into Blogger a plethora of titles come up...most of them with the word draft right next to them. You see, I often stumble upon phrases, words, quotes, etc that I adore. Things that I can envision writing to. They always say that you write something and then title it. They being whomever the authority on writing is. I, on the other hand like to title and then write. In hindsight maybe that is why I was challenged when writing my undergrad thesis. Maybe I title things and try to write to that title. Sometimes I need that direction. Maybe that is how I live my life. I live my life to its title. But, what is the title? Could I title my life? What would you title your life?!

Anyway, I digress. The reason I just told you that secret that really is a non-secret is because I titled this blog 9/14/11 and 5:43 pm to be exact. And, I am just now writing it. I love to write, but I haven't been loving to write in the past several months. Keeping my blog "updated" (hahaha) has been a struggle. I have included pictures, a few musings, random thoughts, but nothing weighty, nothing with depth. I can't say that this will contain much more than a few musing, but I finally feel like writing, like processing. And, as Yiruma plays on the stereo and as the cat snores at my feet and as I feel utterly and completely exhausted and raw, I will write.

My Facebook post from earlier tonight reads:

"Life is filled with loss and it seems to be particularly concentrated in my life and in the lives of those I care about right now...as difficult as it can to this is good to remember...

"Sadness gives depth. Happiness gives height. Sadness gives roots. Happiness gives branches. Happiness is like a tree going into the sky, and sadness is like the roots going down into the womb of the earth. Both are needed, and the higher a tree goes, the deeper it goes, simultaneously. The bigger the tree, the bigger will be its roots. In fact, it is always in proportion. That's its balance."

~Osho, Everyday Osho: 365 Daily Meditations for the Here and Now."

That is only one of the many quotes that I could have posted, wanted to post. I will include some others here also.

“Less is less. Heartbreak is heartbreak. You think I'm sitting here gloating. Telling myself that my suffering beats yours? Hurt is hurt. You don't measure these things.”
~Stephanie Kallos

It seems life right now is fraught with loss. There are always losses, daily, but it seems like heavy loss and loss after loss are banking right now. As I was talking to a friend earlier tonight I realized that loss has been heavier for me lately and it stems back several months. After struggling at work for a long time I made the very difficult decision to leave the site that I had been working at for over 6 years and I transferred to another site. It was new and fresh but still familiar enough and the transfer rocked my world...literally. I thought I had lost my mind. I don't know if I have ever questioned my sanity so much. I cried more than I didn't and had to keep reminding myself of the reasons I left. I had to remind myself that I was slowly suffocating in the environment I was in. The trick was that a person forgets about the bad things when they aren't in the middle of them...ask any woman who has gone through childbirth...I've had friends tell me that once you are past the excruciating pain you forget about it until you are in the middle of it again.

I was amazed at how completely and utterly alone I felt. I hadn't expected some of the emotions that seemingly blindsided me and I'm still in awe of them today. Now, I have adjusted, but still not completely. I still feel like I don't fully belong anywhere. I'm still new and not completely "broken in" at the new site, but I no longer belong at the old one. In fact, it was made pretty clear by a few people that I wasn't really welcome there, much to the chagrin of myself and many others. I associate with quotes. I don't know why...maybe it stems from the book of quotes my Mom kept that I remember sifting through and wondering what was happening in her life to make her hone in on a particular phrase or passage at a particular time. These were two of the quotes I identified with during the toughest of times during my work transition... “I was lonely. I felt it deeply and permanently, that this state of being on my own might never disappear. But I welcomed the lonliness, which had everything to do with being anonymous. It's never lonliness that nibbles away at a person's insides, but not having room inside themselves to be comfortably alone.” ~Rachel Sontag & “I couldn’t be with people and I didn’t want to be alone. Suddenly my perspective whooshed and I was far out in space, watching the world. I could see millions and millions of people, all slotted into their lives; then I could see me—I’d lost my place in the universe. It had closed up and there was nowhere for me to be. I was more lost than I had known it was possible for any human being to be.” ~Marian Keyes

Just barely a month into my time at my new site my new and wholeheartedly supportive and amazing new supervisor told me she was leaving. Wham...just as my sea legs were becoming more stable and starting to feel the promise of solid ground away goes one of the main reasons I transferred to the new site and with that away goes any ground I had made in becoming stabilized. Normally this wouldn't have shaken me as it did, but as I stated earlier I thought I might be loosing my mind. I can't explain exactly how I felt, but treading water and not winning in doing that is the closest I can describe. Now I would be adjusting to a new boss with little support of co-workers who knew me so little. And my poor parents and close friends who thought that they'd heard the last of my struggles with this situation once I left the negative site....oh they were ready for me to move on. Though none of them shared this with me.

Now, as I am adjusting to the new supervisor and upheaval of other sorts we have a dear co-worker who I didn't get to know well enough who died sort of unexpectedly. This has sent my new team, me included into the throws of despair. The struggle to come to terms with a life cut too short, all the while addressing and ministering to lives that are in their last pages and doing this successfully can be a challenge. Being fully there can be a challenge and then supporting those participants in their own struggle with the loss of this wonderful life. I can't help but take pause to remember all the losses and struggles and challenges of life. Of all of our lives. Loss of loved ones, experiences, independence, love...“Every one of us is losing something precious to us. Lost opportunities, lost possibilities, feelings we can never get back again. That’s part of what it means to be alive. But inside our heads—at least that’s where I imagine it—there’s a little room where we store those memories. A room like the stacks in this library. And to understand the workings of our own heart we have to keep on making new reference cards. We have to dust things off every once in a while, let in fresh air, change the water in the flower vases. In other words, you’ll live forever in your own private library.” ~Haruki Murakami

I'd like to think that this quote is true..."Grief does not change you; it reveals you." ~John Green and that we all have the strength to move on. And even though we all do I believe it is in varying quantities. I know that with time loss won't go away, but the pain and hurt caused by that loss will become familiar to us, not such an unusual, uncomfortable feeling and in time we will experience more loss and more loss “and it is hard to let go, to imagine alternatives, but you are bold with unknowing, you are ready to explore.” ~Terra Elan McVoy And I wish for us, all of us that we are able to explore, move past the losses, in whatever form they are in. People, experiences, memories, traditions. We need to remember that "It's difficult to ever go back to the same places or people. You turn away, even for a moment, and when you turn back around, everything's changed." ~Gabrielle Zevin

Life is constantly moving forward, no matter how much we want to look back. We make decisions, others make decisions. Life ends and life begins. It amazes me that so much is concentrated in what surrounds me right now, deaths of relatives for friends and deaths of friends of relative, promises of new life that don't come to fruition, loss of independence and at the same time there is new life, there are new beginnings there are new things to look forward to. “For some moments in life there are no words.” – David Seltzer Sometimes it seems like there are no words, other times, like now I feel overflowing with them. In close I would like to share what the grief counselor at work shared with some of us today...lyrics from the song Anthem by Leonard Cohen, "Ring the bells that still can ring; Forget your perfect offering; There is a crack, a crack in everything; That's how the light gets in."

And to bring it back to the title...because I didn't really write to the title like I anticipated...I have told friends that I need to trust the tides, that the sorrow over things lost in my life, most majorly the loss of my daily interactions and feeling of belonging to a place and to a people that has changed and morphed...my sadness comes in waves, some days better than others, some days when the tears are full to almost overflowing. I feel that way a lot right now and then stack loss on top of loss and we feel like were in high tide all the time, but I know, as with the ocean that I love and am drawn too...the tides will recede....the waves that come in will settle and go out and I'll be standing on more solid ground once again, if only I trust the tides.

Blessings to you and love to you with any challenge you may be experiencing with loss right now and ever.