Dogwood time

I LOVE Dogwood Trees. I will have a Dogwood Tree in my yard some day.

It will be pink. In the meantime, these lovely white ones in my parking lot will do.

Aren't they absolutely gorgeous?! Too bad the blossoms don't last longer.

Trust the Tides

A secret that I have to share with you. It's not the kind of secret that I wouldn't share. It's the kind of secret that I just haven't shared and here it is. I start blogs all the time. Read: I title blogs all the time. I don't even technically start them. When I click on "Edit Posts" when logged into Blogger a plethora of titles come up...most of them with the word draft right next to them. You see, I often stumble upon phrases, words, quotes, etc that I adore. Things that I can envision writing to. They always say that you write something and then title it. They being whomever the authority on writing is. I, on the other hand like to title and then write. In hindsight maybe that is why I was challenged when writing my undergrad thesis. Maybe I title things and try to write to that title. Sometimes I need that direction. Maybe that is how I live my life. I live my life to its title. But, what is the title? Could I title my life? What would you title your life?!

Anyway, I digress. The reason I just told you that secret that really is a non-secret is because I titled this blog 9/14/11 and 5:43 pm to be exact. And, I am just now writing it. I love to write, but I haven't been loving to write in the past several months. Keeping my blog "updated" (hahaha) has been a struggle. I have included pictures, a few musings, random thoughts, but nothing weighty, nothing with depth. I can't say that this will contain much more than a few musing, but I finally feel like writing, like processing. And, as Yiruma plays on the stereo and as the cat snores at my feet and as I feel utterly and completely exhausted and raw, I will write.

My Facebook post from earlier tonight reads:

"Life is filled with loss and it seems to be particularly concentrated in my life and in the lives of those I care about right now...as difficult as it can to this is good to remember...

"Sadness gives depth. Happiness gives height. Sadness gives roots. Happiness gives branches. Happiness is like a tree going into the sky, and sadness is like the roots going down into the womb of the earth. Both are needed, and the higher a tree goes, the deeper it goes, simultaneously. The bigger the tree, the bigger will be its roots. In fact, it is always in proportion. That's its balance."

~Osho, Everyday Osho: 365 Daily Meditations for the Here and Now."

That is only one of the many quotes that I could have posted, wanted to post. I will include some others here also.

“Less is less. Heartbreak is heartbreak. You think I'm sitting here gloating. Telling myself that my suffering beats yours? Hurt is hurt. You don't measure these things.”
~Stephanie Kallos

It seems life right now is fraught with loss. There are always losses, daily, but it seems like heavy loss and loss after loss are banking right now. As I was talking to a friend earlier tonight I realized that loss has been heavier for me lately and it stems back several months. After struggling at work for a long time I made the very difficult decision to leave the site that I had been working at for over 6 years and I transferred to another site. It was new and fresh but still familiar enough and the transfer rocked my world...literally. I thought I had lost my mind. I don't know if I have ever questioned my sanity so much. I cried more than I didn't and had to keep reminding myself of the reasons I left. I had to remind myself that I was slowly suffocating in the environment I was in. The trick was that a person forgets about the bad things when they aren't in the middle of them...ask any woman who has gone through childbirth...I've had friends tell me that once you are past the excruciating pain you forget about it until you are in the middle of it again.

I was amazed at how completely and utterly alone I felt. I hadn't expected some of the emotions that seemingly blindsided me and I'm still in awe of them today. Now, I have adjusted, but still not completely. I still feel like I don't fully belong anywhere. I'm still new and not completely "broken in" at the new site, but I no longer belong at the old one. In fact, it was made pretty clear by a few people that I wasn't really welcome there, much to the chagrin of myself and many others. I associate with quotes. I don't know why...maybe it stems from the book of quotes my Mom kept that I remember sifting through and wondering what was happening in her life to make her hone in on a particular phrase or passage at a particular time. These were two of the quotes I identified with during the toughest of times during my work transition... “I was lonely. I felt it deeply and permanently, that this state of being on my own might never disappear. But I welcomed the lonliness, which had everything to do with being anonymous. It's never lonliness that nibbles away at a person's insides, but not having room inside themselves to be comfortably alone.” ~Rachel Sontag & “I couldn’t be with people and I didn’t want to be alone. Suddenly my perspective whooshed and I was far out in space, watching the world. I could see millions and millions of people, all slotted into their lives; then I could see me—I’d lost my place in the universe. It had closed up and there was nowhere for me to be. I was more lost than I had known it was possible for any human being to be.” ~Marian Keyes

Just barely a month into my time at my new site my new and wholeheartedly supportive and amazing new supervisor told me she was leaving. Wham...just as my sea legs were becoming more stable and starting to feel the promise of solid ground away goes one of the main reasons I transferred to the new site and with that away goes any ground I had made in becoming stabilized. Normally this wouldn't have shaken me as it did, but as I stated earlier I thought I might be loosing my mind. I can't explain exactly how I felt, but treading water and not winning in doing that is the closest I can describe. Now I would be adjusting to a new boss with little support of co-workers who knew me so little. And my poor parents and close friends who thought that they'd heard the last of my struggles with this situation once I left the negative site....oh they were ready for me to move on. Though none of them shared this with me.

Now, as I am adjusting to the new supervisor and upheaval of other sorts we have a dear co-worker who I didn't get to know well enough who died sort of unexpectedly. This has sent my new team, me included into the throws of despair. The struggle to come to terms with a life cut too short, all the while addressing and ministering to lives that are in their last pages and doing this successfully can be a challenge. Being fully there can be a challenge and then supporting those participants in their own struggle with the loss of this wonderful life. I can't help but take pause to remember all the losses and struggles and challenges of life. Of all of our lives. Loss of loved ones, experiences, independence, love...“Every one of us is losing something precious to us. Lost opportunities, lost possibilities, feelings we can never get back again. That’s part of what it means to be alive. But inside our heads—at least that’s where I imagine it—there’s a little room where we store those memories. A room like the stacks in this library. And to understand the workings of our own heart we have to keep on making new reference cards. We have to dust things off every once in a while, let in fresh air, change the water in the flower vases. In other words, you’ll live forever in your own private library.” ~Haruki Murakami

I'd like to think that this quote is true..."Grief does not change you; it reveals you." ~John Green and that we all have the strength to move on. And even though we all do I believe it is in varying quantities. I know that with time loss won't go away, but the pain and hurt caused by that loss will become familiar to us, not such an unusual, uncomfortable feeling and in time we will experience more loss and more loss “and it is hard to let go, to imagine alternatives, but you are bold with unknowing, you are ready to explore.” ~Terra Elan McVoy And I wish for us, all of us that we are able to explore, move past the losses, in whatever form they are in. People, experiences, memories, traditions. We need to remember that "It's difficult to ever go back to the same places or people. You turn away, even for a moment, and when you turn back around, everything's changed." ~Gabrielle Zevin

Life is constantly moving forward, no matter how much we want to look back. We make decisions, others make decisions. Life ends and life begins. It amazes me that so much is concentrated in what surrounds me right now, deaths of relatives for friends and deaths of friends of relative, promises of new life that don't come to fruition, loss of independence and at the same time there is new life, there are new beginnings there are new things to look forward to. “For some moments in life there are no words.” – David Seltzer Sometimes it seems like there are no words, other times, like now I feel overflowing with them. In close I would like to share what the grief counselor at work shared with some of us today...lyrics from the song Anthem by Leonard Cohen, "Ring the bells that still can ring; Forget your perfect offering; There is a crack, a crack in everything; That's how the light gets in."

And to bring it back to the title...because I didn't really write to the title like I anticipated...I have told friends that I need to trust the tides, that the sorrow over things lost in my life, most majorly the loss of my daily interactions and feeling of belonging to a place and to a people that has changed and morphed...my sadness comes in waves, some days better than others, some days when the tears are full to almost overflowing. I feel that way a lot right now and then stack loss on top of loss and we feel like were in high tide all the time, but I know, as with the ocean that I love and am drawn too...the tides will recede....the waves that come in will settle and go out and I'll be standing on more solid ground once again, if only I trust the tides.

Blessings to you and love to you with any challenge you may be experiencing with loss right now and ever.

Tiptoeing Through the Tulips

There is one part of my job that I particularly enjoy (there are many, but this one is unique and special) is taking my participants on outings. Every spring I've taken several to one of the area tulip fields. This year the group sang "Tiptoeing Through the Tulips" part of the way up to the fields. It was a cloudy, but warm day and we had a great time. 

 Pretty flowers!!

 Ignore the cheesy pose...it was requested.

~ ~

Backyard Rain Forest Memories

I awoke at 5:15 this morning. On the dot. And, in my opinion, entirely too early. Alas, sleep for the precious hour and a half remaining before my alarm is supposed to abruptly welcome me to this day is, eluding me. This morning I don't mind. This afternoon I probably will mind. Right now though, I am embracing this moment because at this moment I am being serenaded by the most wonderful, beautiful and precious morning choir of the multitudes of birds that are gracing me with their birdsong. I am in awe. I can hear them through closed windows, in the otherwise silent walls of my home in these wee hours. It is AMAZING and is such a wonderful reminder of the beauty and simplicity in this world. This is a good way to start the day, before the rushes of noise, the sometimes overwhelming hub-bub of a day filled to the brim with happenings. Before sensory overload, in the not-natural sort of way. This is sensory joy.

A little earlier I donned my slippers and opened my sliding glass door to more fully take in this amazing spring morning, one finally warm enough that I could stand on my balcony for a time and over the faint hum of the nearby freeway traffic I could hone in on the birdsong. I wish I could record it because every morning the song is different.

As I was standing on my balcony in the slowly lightening day surrounded by glorious nature made music I couldn't help but reflect on one of my earliest memories. It probably isn't really the earliest, I just make it that way in my mind because it was so stunning that it would have to be one of my first just by sheer magnificence of it. I can't remember the time of year or how old I was or most of the details. What I do remember is waking up in what seemed like the middle of the night and my mom was up and probably grading papers or reading the newspaper--early morning rituals she had, very unlike my own now, but maybe more in line with how they will be if ever I have children. She welcomed me to sit, but also recommended I return to bed so that I could get rest. I've concluded that most likely this was not in fact the middle of the night, but it had to be the early morning pre-dawn hours. The dog was outside and I heard him bark at the door to be let so I went to let him in. I opened the back door to what I can only recall from my memory as truly believing that what lay outside of the walls of our home was not the outdoors I knew from daylight, but a transformed world. To me it sounded like the dull daylight world that I knew was a tropical rain forest. I couldn't explain it any other way. I based this conclusion completely off of the sounds I heard for it was still a dark and otherwise visually mysterious world. It sounded like nature amplified, like the birds were 10 times the size I knew them to be, like they had booming voices and sounded nothing like the little bit of chatter I was familiar with. Like they were from another world, or at least another part of the world. Their morning song was also accompanied by the chirp of crickets.

I remember standing there in the doorway in awe, much I as stood on my balcony this morning. The only difference was that I was younger then, I knew no better than to think that the world changed outside my house every night after I went to bed and miraculously changed back before I got up, unless of course I was sneaky and beat it to disappearing for the day and could hear some of this beautiful and to me unexplainable happenings. Today I know different. Today I know that the world I am familiar with during daylight is the one that changes, that brings the noise, the sometimes overwhelmed feeling, the moving to fast to slow down and enjoy the simplicity of this world around us. Today I also know that it is my heart that is in as much awe of this wonderful sound and it is my ears, and for this, I am thankful. For one of my earliest memories, which I always think of as my backyard rain forest memory, I am thankful. And, as the birdsong quiets for the day and the hum of freeway traffic becomes more than just a hum and as my alarm is just about ready to go off, I am thankful for the peace of the morning and have high hopes that the calmness I feel accompanies me through the day.

Much love and many blessings to you in this day.

Fun and Games

I love to laugh and to play games and have fun. Today had a bunch of both.

Every year my company has their version of March Madness. Played with three players. In wheelchairs. It is brutal. Hence, I am only an observer/cheerer. 

This year my friend, Jenny was the ref...all decked out in a pink wig and ref stripes.

 After the wheelchair basketball game I killed some time and then met be dear boss, Maureen and Kelli, Connie and Myra at the bowling alley/arcade for food, drinks, bowling and some arcade gaming.

 Scoreboard screens.

 Time to eat!!

 Time to bowl!!

 I LOVED that there was a "Bowl at your own risk" sign. I had to take a picture.

 After bowling two rounds of bowling we headed for the arcade and had some fun.

 Don't they look serious?! I miss Maureen, but this was such a fun outing.

Besides my sciatic nerve acting up from bowling, I had a great time with these ladies. Not to mention Maureen, Connie and I standing and chatting in the parking lot for another hour. Good for the soul. Great start to the weekend.

Spring Might be on the Way

What better way to spend one of the most glorious, sunny, spring days in Portland? 

By going down to the waterfront. To go where the blossoms are. Where the sun is. And then, to where the books are.

Portland is beautiful. I love it. I also love the blossoming cherry trees along the waterfront. So, I decided on the sunny day I would head down since I got off work early. The blossoms were just starting to come out. Another week and they'd be perfect, I'm sure, but the trip was perfect for me.

Steel Bridge with beginning blossoms.

 Blossoms from above~

 Glorious city!

 Lamp post and blossoms

 There was a bridge lift for a boat while I was near it. It's a big endeavor to lift a bridge, but fun to watch...if you aren't on the bridge and trying to get somewhere in a timely manner.

 Such a little boat for a lift, but the waters are higher than normal I hear.

 Looking back from partway across the pedestrian path on the bridge.

 God's creation is beautiful...look at those little pink clusters of goodness.

 Walking to Powell's Bookstore I realized a little one had hitched a ride....aren't ladybugs meant to bring good luck?!

 And, in a book lovers heaven. I made it out of the store without a single purchase...success or failure, you may ask?! It depends on the situation. To me it was a success as I have SO many books I need to get read before buying any more...

What a wonderful, non-repeatable way to end a day, a week! 

March Snow

March doesn't generally bring snow in the Portland area. This spring is different. We've had snow three days. None of those times have brought enough snow to justify a snow day in this land where threat of snow can, at times, bring a snow day to the schools, and therefore to my workplace.

As much as it would have been nice to have a snow day, it was also nice to not have life so disrupted for what some people from around this country laugh at. It was pretty though....these pictures are from a snowfall last night and this morning.




So pretty, but now we're ready for some sun and warm weather.

Saturday Market in the Rain

I got to spend a good amount of time with these lovely ladies at one of Portland's fine events! Portland Saturday Market...and, even though it rained much of the time and was cold, we had a great time. And then we went and gorged ourselves on nachos and other yummy things at Rockbottom Brewery and then to Lloyd Center for some shopping. Thanks, Jenny and Sara, for all the fun times we have, including this day!

Jenny, Sara, me!

More Goodbyes

During the time I was acutely mourning the loss of my close friends and co-workers at the site I left in January I got the news (which in all fairness I knew was a possibility) that my dear new boss was leaving my new site. She is a wonderful RN and in the reorganization of our program she had the opportunity to pick one of essentially three positions that she had available to her (two of them equaled her staying at the new site, one equaled her remaining as my boss, and one [the one I dislike most] equaled her leaving not only as my supervisor but also the site). All I could do when she told me was bite my tongue and smile for fear that if I did more than that I'd start crying so hard that I wouldn't be able to stop. Then I entered denial mode and still am there.

Maureen was my supervisor for just days less than two months and the impact that her leaving has on me is surprising. I've tried to put into words what she has meant to me and I can't adequately do this. Nor do I think that just anyone would understand the depth that she has impacted my life right now. The closest I've come to being able to verbalize this is to say that she was my saving grace. She gave me hope and confidence and promise all when I needed it the most. She let me crawl at a snails pace in making the decision to leave the site I'd been at for nearly six and a half years. She did this without pushing, without frustration, without expectation. She did it with support, heart and caring. She called me, emailed me, checked on me throughout the process. She let me babble, ask questions, reflect. She let me do this for months...literally...months. All the while keeping it under wraps, maintaining my confidentiality. She let me "make a decision" and then change my mind and respected both decisions. I was fickle and I waffled a lot and she never lost a beat. And, finally, when I made a decision. A.REAL.ONE...she was on vacation for a week and then I was on vacation for a week. Thank goodness her voice mail greeting revealed that she was out and I'm even more thankful that she had given me her cell number and told me to call anytime. So...that is exactly what I did. I got her voice mail and my stomach got even more butterflies while I waited for a return call--whenever that would come. I didn't wait long. She called me after sledding time with her family on Mt Hood. She talked me through EVERYTHING. She reminded me to breathe. I really was still hesitant about the decision but Maureen put me at ease...or tried anyway. She met me at my level, where I was at and didn't make me feel any way beside what I needed to feel. She pep-talked me through each step that I needed to take next...breathing, telling my coworker, breathing, telling my soon-to-be-new coworker, breathing, telling my current (now previous) supervisor, BREATHING. And, bless her, she did this all (plus all the notifications she had to do on her end) while she was on vacation. How can I ever forget or repay her kindness?! I can't. I can only be thankful, let her know I appreciate her, what she did for me and show others the same kindness and patience she showed me. She was and is my saving grace. I think of her and thank her every day that I go to work and work in a positive, encouraging environment. That is thanks to her. Really. She made it happen. Made it work.

Maureen's last day was yesterday. Such a bittersweet day, week, few months I've experienced. In order to celebrate what she has done for the site (which she's been at for 12 years) we had a surprise breakfast to honor her. She's the timid looking one below....just coming into the room.

People milling about...

Folks milling about....

...more milling about.

On Maureen's actual last day, the floor staff (her direct reports) minus one person who forgot (I won't name any names... :) all wore black to mourn our loss.

Below: Connie, Maureen (in her wonderful, colorful top among our black), me, Kaniko, Kelli (my new coworker).

The picture below is all of us minus Dexter, who was out that day.

Connie, Myra, Kelli in the back, Maureen, me, Euphemia and Kaniko in the front. These are my most direct coworkers at the new site.

This is us showing our upset at Maureen for leaving by "acting" as though we are ignoring her.

I've enjoyed having Maureen as a supervisor. As "Boss Lady" as she is affectionately known as at our site. I also enjoyed getting to chat with her about her struggles with leaving a site she's been at for years. I think we were a bit of kindred spirits for each other in those times as she was struggling with some of the same emotions that I was. Maureen was the kind of boss every boss should be and the kind of boss everyone should be so blessed to have. Thanks, Maureen, for everything. And now you, remember to breathe! You can so do this!

Practice Your ABC's

When I was still at my old work site someone put a copy of this in everyone's mailbox. I had it hanging on my cupboard. It's still in a box containing all the mementos from my old site, but I found it bookmarked on my computer tonight as I had planned on posting it here. Enjoy~

Practice Your ABC's

Act silly

Believe in magic

Create your own masterpieces

Daydream every change you get

Explore a book

Find time for fun

Give hugs

Hand upside down from trees

Imagine

Join clubs

Keep it simple

Love all creatures

Make time for friends

Nap when you can

Open your mind to new ideas

Play when you feel like it

Question the answers

Run with the wind

Sing favorite songs

Take days off

Uncover your talents

Venture out

Walk on the wild side

X-pect the best

Yield to the moment

ZZZZ peacefully at night

~Unknown Author

Lunch at the Falls

Part of Danielle's Christmas Gift was a lunch date at Multnomah Falls Lodge. We headed there today. It wasn't a sunny day, but it wasn't raining either. We had a nice drive to get there and got caught up on life since we'd last seen each other.

This is the falls. Lots of water coming down with the snow melt and rain.

Danielle and me, without a view of the falls, but with smiles!

What a nice, quick get-away!

Hockey Time

Once upon a time, very recently really, when I was with Jenny and Sara we had talked about going to a Portland Winterhawks hockey game. A few days later the Living Social deal was two for the price of one tickets to a hockey game. It was a week when the Blazers weren't playing in Portland, so Jenny, Matt and Sara didn't have a basketball game, so the four of us went to see some hockey.

I picked the tickets up the day before the game and we scored some good seat. Third row back from the Kamloop's (a Canadian team) box. We were so close we could smell the players...ewww....

Everyone was giving this guy a hard time for his (in our opinion) creepy mustache. I can definitely do without facial hair like this on a guy.

Sara, Matt and Jenny looking up at the jumbotron. (usually at the Blazer games they are looking down at it!)

Smile!

And, again!

Jenny and me!

I found a clapper for Jenny...she loved it!

"Tom-a-hawk" the mascot.

We had such a fun time looking up info on Hanes, with the creepy mustache. Apparently, he's a ladies man, his birthday is March 1 so we wished him a happy one and soon everyone in our section was "cheering" for him too. Sara and Jenny wanted to give him a high five when he was going into the "chute" after the game.

We had such a fun time and got to laugh a lot. Another good night out with friends.