I've lost my focus...

...now, to try and find it.

Yes, finding my focus is something I'm going to aim for. I even made a list (novel idea for me, huh?!) to help me focus. I always sort of lose my sense of focus in the spring and summer and fall, hmmm...do you see a pattern? I sure do. Okay, well maybe I lose my sense of focus year-round, with varying peaks and valleys, with the most difficult time to focus being at season changes?! I have a few close friends and especially a few previous roommates that would most likely second that.

I get this odd sensation of energy, have a hard time staying still, search for new, different, exciting things. It lasts for an indeterminate amount of time. Slowly the physical energy dissipates, but the internal, psychological energy remains with an eventual decrease in intensity, but this peak I've reached and then come down from has changed me. Changed my soul, my being if you will, ever so slightly. Most often there is a revelatory ring to the psychological and internal energy that I experience. Sometimes this isn't a new revelation, sometimes I am just merely revisiting a previously experienced revelation. But with renewed energy. Renewed zest. Unfortunately, or maybe fortunately, this is all accompanied by this lack of focus.

Right now, I have a hard time focusing on much. I sit down to watch a television show or movie and soon find myself wandering away. I try a household chore and get distracted rapidly. I am bad at keeping in touch with friends, even the ones I see daily. It's pretty bad when I feel like I haven't said boo to the friends I work with at the end of a day, or worse, the end of the week. Let alone friends in a different zip code. Oy.

My apartment looks like it has been picked up by a small child, tossed around and left in shambles on the front lawn, once that child has been distracted by the next big toy. Okay, it doesn't really look that bad, but it could look better. I walk and hike, that is good and focus worthy. Truly though, that is prime time to not focus. I can let my mind wonder as I wander. I try to write and am successful at varying degrees (heck, I've started and stopped this post at least 3 times). I read, in short bursts. I lose focus at work or am easily distracted. I find that I want to call someone, but who, and then when I do, what to talk about. Mainly because this jumbled mess in my mind is just that, a jumbled mess, only to come out as a jumbled mess and quite probably as an incoherent mess. But it all makes some weird, tangential sense in my brain.

I stay up late, and couldn't even tell you why most of the time. I am tired, but not, during the day. Lay down to take a nap and even get distracted from doing that. Music is refreshing to my soul. I listen to a lot of it these days. All kinds. Often times I turn the television on as the 10 o'clock news comes on and wonder where the evening has gone. Monday turns to TuesdaytoWednesdaytoSaturday, May to JunetoJuly and we are nearing the middle, even of that month. It feels like it was just January, the new year, and before I know it, Christmas will have arrived once more.

I was always told that time moves faster the older you get. I had no idea how that would ever feel. Until now. I can't even explain it. And the sad thing is that I am guilty of wishing my days away. As I get to work in the morning I wish it would be the end of the day. On Monday, I wish it would be Friday. And then I want time to stand still, or at least creep by, from 4:30 Friday until 8am Monday. It seems to go faster, even than the week days. Wow. And the years, how they have passed by so quickly. I've called Portland home for 9 years. That feels crazy. That feels unnerving and comforting all at the same time. Before I know it, I will have called Oregon home for more than half of my life. I'm already standing at calling it home for 1/3 of it.

So now, in light of my ramblings, and only a small glimpse of the craziness in my brain I am aiming to live more in the moment. To focus on the now, which I generally do, but will do so with more effort. I will do those hip exercises so I don't experience pain when I hike in the peace of nature, I will read and write more, with focused intent. I will attempt to keep my environment free of clutter to assist in keeping my inner person less cluttered and more at peace. I will focus on the people in my life and on bettering myself as a person. I will fo·cus (–verb to concentrate: to focus one's thoughts) on life.

What helps you focus?! I'd love to know.